I Was a Strange and Creative Kid

by JG

Disclaimer: Unless you personally know me, this post will likely be very boring for you. It’s a nostalgic look at my childhood, which is unlikely to interest even people that DO know me, much less the random reader. Carry on.

When I was younger, I used to go to Florida every winter with my family. I still do, but I used to, too. (Mitch Hedberg, anyone?) Anyways, I was fortunate enough to have a place to stay, because my paternal grandmother was/is a snowbird. For those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to elderly people from cold climates (like Montreal, my hometown) who, like birds, fly south for the winter, often to Florida. I was extremely grateful to be able to travel to Florida, especially with my family. The problem is, at such a young age, and without the ability to transport myself (like in Montreal, where everything is close and I could walk/bike), I often got very bored.

 My grandmother’s place is in one of six buildings inside of a gated community, each with what I’d estimate to be about 100 total condominiums in each. There’s a pool, and tennis courts, but most of the other features (billiards and card tables) are really only for the elderly tenants. Oh, did I forget to mention? You have to be at least 55 to own a place here, but most residents are in their 80s, at least. Makes for a relatively boring stay at times for a 10-year-old with a vivid imagination like I was. (I know, I know, #firstworldproblems).

To combat the boredom, when all else failed, I took advantage of the only thing that was available to me: the book pictured above. Originally, I would use envelopes to draw/write/do other things a 10-year-old does with paper. When I started to waste too many envelopes, my mother purchased this book for me. Intended to be used as a journal, I used it as much more. It’s filled with riddles, facts about my life, and general childish nostalgia. I don’t really know how to describe it any better than that, but when I found it the other day while re-organizing my room, I was instantly thrust back to the Pembroke Pines of the summer of 2000. Hit the jump, and let’s find out how odd I really was.

Hardcover navy, no big deal. I apparently attempted (but failed) to scratch off the “Journal” sticker the book came with, but I did manage to put on a little sticker with my face and the caption “DA BOMB”. Even before I open the book I’m already laughing at myself.

Inside Cover

I think when I was just starting the book I was attempting to make it like a real book, with a real inside book cover. I even included a copyright year, the name of my “publishing company”, and, though you can’t see it here, the publication locations. Obviously this was never actually published, but I wrote down the cities that were relevant to me at the time, in my weird attempt at making this book look professional. Those cities were Montreal, Ft. Lauderdale, Ridgewood, and Calgary, the latter two being places where I had traveled to visit family. You’ll also notice the odd picture of my “cool kid” character, complete with skateboard and a left ear piercing. With arms and legs so skinny, it’s a good thing he’s wearing elbow and knee pads.

All About Me
I used this page to write a bunch of information down about my life, for the interest of whoever would pick it up. At this early stage in the book, I assumed other people would actually want to read it for some reason. Some highlights include me listing my age as the mathematically-accurate “10 5/6” and parts of my list of favourites:

Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Fantastic choice. I was an awesome kid.
Cartoon: Rocker Power, Celebrity Deathmatch. I guess that’s where my then love for skateboarding and cartoon violence came from.
Show: The Amanda Show. Apparently I really liked Amanda Bynes? Oh well, who didn’t.
Sport to Play: Hockey. Makes sense, I liked hockey much more then, and still played pretty often.
Sport to Watch: Arena Football. For serious. I actually wrote that, and I have no idea why.
Computer Game: Backyard Football, Triple Play 2000. Anyone else remember the “Backyard” series? Awesomeness.
Athlete: John Leclair. I guess Eric Lindros was injured?
Most Prized Possesion: My Gameboy. F*** yeah.
Special Talent: I can hold a hocket stick in the palm of my hand for 3:42. Alright then.
Jobs: 16-20: Grocery salesmen. 21-32: Hockey player. 33-49: Sports announcer. 49-65: Accountant.
Kudos to young me for knowing the retirement age of 65, but not realizing I can’t be more than one person (“salesmen”).

Alright that was nice and personal. If I somehow still have your attention, let’s move on.

Taste Test – a short riddle I’m copying down word for word, without making spelling or grammar corrections.

One day six friends known as Jag, Mel, JR, Liz, Phil, Angel decided to have a contest. They would have a taste test on everyone’s favourite soda. Jag’s was green, tasted like ice, and was called “Hockey Puck”. Mel’s was yellow, tasted like bananas, and was called “Banana Blast”. JR’s was blue, tasted like water, and was called “Deep Blue Sea”. Liz’s was greenish-yellow, tasted like lizards, and was called “Lizard Love”. Phil’s was white, tasted like snow, and was called “Snowboard Slushy”. Angel’s was pink, tasted like bubble gum, and was called “bubble blast”. Jag’s dad poured each person’s favourite soda into a dark glass. Jag volunteered to go first. He said that “1. Yellow. 2. Deep Blue Sea. 3. Phil’s. 4. Angel’s. 5. Mine. 6. Liz’s.” JR (the crazy guy) went next. He said that “hafushi yama lolotooti huba shoori!!” Angel came up to straighten things up. She said that “1. Mel’s. 2. Lizard Love. 3. Blue. 4. Phil’s. 5. Hockey puck. 6. Mine.” Phil was busy in the bathroom. Both liz an mel said that “1. Mel’s. 2. Liz’s. 3. Deep blue sea. 4. Hockey puck. 5. Angel’s. 6. Snowboard slushy. Then Jag’s dad poured each soda into a clear glass. The order was Yellow, Greenish-Yellow, Blue, White, Green, Pink. Who got them all right?

I guess at the time I thought this was challenging? Still, my choice of flavour descriptions makes me laugh. Looking at it as a rational adult, who on earth would confuse such different tastes? I guess water, ice, and snow can be confused, but lizard, banana, and bubble gum?

Other Highlights

– The next two pages were used to make a lengthy in-depth family tree for my “cool kid” character, Buzz Smith.
– The page after was used to make what I called “The Ultimate CD”. It included the following tracks, with empty spaces to include more: Discovery Channel (actually called “Bad Touch”), The Real Slim Shady, Who Let The Dogs Out, Oops, Come And Get It, Dancing Queens, It’s Gonna Be Me. No regrets, I was young and probably didn’t even know who The Beatles were yet.
– I created a complex baseball game involving coin flip combinations. Different sequences would result in strikes, balls, groundouts, popouts, or various hits. Awesome. Less awesome: I created leagues and teams, and tracked stats. I was a weird kid.
– I wrote down this code randomly on a page that included nothing else: CVHZ4TZ?30GC6L3BBVBV. I have no idea what it’s for.
– I designed my own sport (Hockball) which basically seemed like soccer-baseball but with a hockey stick, a tennis ball, and extra positions. I created a team (New York Whiplash) and designed their jerseys too. Obviously, I also created a roster of my friends and people I knew, putting them at the positions I thought they would succeed in.
– I made a comic, simply called “Buzz”. I still don’t get the punchline, but look at it for yourself (bottom of this post) and maybe you can figure it out.
– I wrote down a list of girls I had crushes on. Obviously. On the reverse page, I wrote down all my friends and game them a score on 1-100 of how close I was with them. Once again, I have no idea why I did either of this.
– I designed my own Tech Deck tricks. By Tech Deck, I’m referring to this little toy skateboards.
– I designed the Ultimate House and Ultimate Room. When I’m near a scanner, I’ll scan and upload it.
– I wrote down all Jelly Belly flavours, their colours, and the many “meals” you could make with them. I even designed my own.
– I wrote more details about Buzz’s life, as if were actually real.
– I doodled. A lot.

I don’t know why I decided to share all of the above with you, but for some reason, I did it. Maybe I just felt like “blogging” again, continuing my streak of posting every day. I apologize for the boredom I may have caused you, but it was your choice to read it, and it wasn’t too long anyways. I hope you were entertained by my ridiculousness (I did leave out some parts), and I hope you’ll come back for ACTUAL blog posts on relevant/interesting things that aren’t this. Cheers.